I am sorry

I am sorry.

For what?

For loving and caring too much.
For missing you.

I am sorry for your attention everyday.
For always thinking about you before going to sleep.
For feeling upset when I don't see you.
For wanting to be your side

I am sorry for making you happy.
For wanting you to be part of my life.
For trying to make you smile.

I am sorry for bothering you.
For dreaming about you everyday.

I am sorry for replying quick as soon as possible.

I am sorry for getting mad, jealous and sad.

I am sorry for being just a simple game.

I am sorry for thinking that you cared.
For annoying you with my messages and calls.

I am sorry for caring about you.

I am just...
Sorry for every single mistake I made because you meant a lot to me

Something matters to the heart

I have always remembered the feeling of absolute loneliness and honestly, is never a great experience to go through. Then I realised some sayings are really true, no matter how hard if I try;

"Do not bother holding onto that thing that does not want you; you cannot make it stay"

When I genuinely care for someone or a potential partner, it does seems that they would creep out. I think is probably how I grew up in an all-boys school since young till end of secondary school life in how to interact with the opposite sex. Polytechnic days are much worst off since most people shunned me off as they felt that I was an over achiever. Irony, my still best friends now are from tertiary school too.

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To the special someone:

It's so weird thinking back to when we first met that moment.
I had no idea you would have such a big impact to my life.

After a long hiatus~!

It has been 5 years since I have last blogged.

Many life events happened and time has molded everyone, including myself, for the good or the bad. Bloody oath!

I still vividly remember when I have decided to come back Singapore after graduation, with a short work stint with Commonwealth Bank of Australia. I got to say, after the experience, it was really an eye (or both) opener since the cultural differences is beyond anyone in my homeland comprehension.

Living overseas has enabled me to better appreciative of what I have. There ain't any darn supper joint anywhere and if one might think that night in the city is safe, he is terribly blue.
Crime, violence and racism is everywhere.
A something that home security in Singapore, we have taken granted of.

The cost of living is not that scary as what home media has portrayed, since I feel that it is meant as the high life. Yes, one bloody chicken rice cost like AUD$15.

Desperate time requires desperate measures; I was forced to undertake self cooking classes.

I remembered for 3 fucking damn months, I was living on a staple of pasta, frozen vegetables and occasional treat of ice cream. When on special day, I would buy premium beef, which I fucked it up badly; who the hell would burn Angus beef and then microwaved it? The cow died for nothing.

Being Singaporean, we are diversified to appreciate other cultural food. There is still a dark secret; I would steal food and then put the blame on other nationality housemates.

Despicably yes, I had Prata, pork dumplings and Indian Vege meal =) and all pinned on those Chinese.

Yes, I have learnt to cook local cuisine, starting from scratch; Japanese Curry, Chicken Rice, Mee Rebus and some other random shit. Lesson also learnt the hard way; DO NOT bloody hell ever, fry fish, while topless. Self explanatory on the rational behind it.


After all these little lessons that I have learnt, I reflected back on life in Singapore.
The mentality of my fellow Singaporeans; everything should be catered and entitled. It made me felt ashamed for a brief time since the sense of urgent needs has came back to me after unknowingly, disappeared throughout the years of society changes at home. I really respect people like me able to survive in a foreign land

They say, good things will come to an end and true enough, should not be ended, it wouldn't be called good but instead, a great luck or blessing indeed.

The decision made, was not as painful as when I had decided to leave, considering that there are many odds, obligations and feelings left behind at that time. The idea of leaving might resonate an idea as being prestigious, but I can tell you for sure, it is a whole lot of bull. This is deadset.

Definitely I know, I have came back better or even much more stronger than before.



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Since back, the skies are not the limit since I was badly spoiled with choices in the industry. Its true that overseas graduates has much more negotiating power than those in local. As funds were running out, I settled for this company, N, as a small little consultant in some government agency.

Cut the story short (since I have been complaining so much via Social Media), I have to admit that I am very lucky to climb up substantially within 4 years as compared to my acquaintances, who secretly gloating in my success.
No matter what, there is a saying, "No matter if you won the rat race or not, because you are still a rat"

From what I learnt from my seniors, hard facts, a degree is important if one must live comfortably. It is a right move since my polytechnic days to study hard. But to what expense if one to question themselves? As a few handful of people would know, my schedule everyday in Polytechnic (same as when I repeated Secondary 5), includes classes at 8.30am sharp and leaving campus by 5pm to reach work at 6pm till 11pm. When opportunity came, I had to forgo working part time and be fully committed to studies. The only place I can be spotted in campus is in, lecture room, toilets, library, and smoking corner. So.. what did I lose out?

- Spending time with my first girlfriend whom I dated for 5 years, now married, 3 months before I ORD-ed.
- Friends. A few that I still in contact with, did equally well than me now or better.
- Campus lifestyle. I do really miss being a student =(
- The opportunity to speak up more to the opposite sex; I had minimal confidence in speaking ever since getting out of Secondary School, hence, as right now, I can't able to properly show genuine TLC to a few person now, with me behaving like a total asshole or freaking them out... (Which I will explain later)

Come and think about it, I really have to admire myself for over zealous about working. I mean, I have a career and why is there a need to hold up part-time work?? Well, one might say, I probably have nothing else better to do.

Why not people would say that I am working hard to have a possible future for my own family? Or better, drink while being paid extra? The reason why I am still in the F&B line is that, I love to meet new people. They enable me to imagine the possibilities (or bullshit) that one can achieve. Like example, topics from travelling to life experiences to 'men talks'. I know its kind of messed up after having to see what is not supposed to be seen, but it is still the experiences that matters right?

This Sunday or rather, 13th June, I will witness another F&B establishment being closed down for good. It is the 3rd premises that I am going through; PLAY&Rewind Bar, Butter Factory and now FK. Admittedly, I made some good friends over here and... ... same culture but different shit. And also definitely, I knew someone special and made the special promise, which I am overly vexed right now.

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Think will update again in another post...

Fuck-ed

I wonder what is wrong with doing my best in whatever I do?

I do my best, I get screwed.
I don't do, I get screwed.

So with the knowledge acquired, how am I supposed to do my utmost best in helping a business?
Should I numb my pro-activeness? If that is so, then why would I need education for?

Archival Memory

While doing my sociology assignment with memory in the context of Information Technology, I started to reflect on my past.

回忆是个可怕的东西。
但，同时，它也可以很美丽。

This was the sentence that struck me. I have been wondering what went wrong in my life. I have stood by my beliefs on ethics for many years and it has served me heaps of benefits which proved to be worthwhile till now. It seemed that the benefits served me academically wise but well, it lacks that point of having the humane touch in interpersonal relationship.

I am tired of being a lone wolf and I really want to emancipate from it. Who doesn't want that liberty or freedom of doing things they enjoy? Then again, what is the point of risking the reputation that years have been painfully & "unknowingly" built on it. It wasn't easy admittedly.

Just like a double edged sword; one side cuts well while the other, doesn't really cut so well.

Freedom is the greatest gift of life but I feel till now, self sufficiency is the ultimate and greatest freedom of all. I need to stop being wired all the time. It is now to cut down on the Caffeine and smokes, take a chill pill and better reflect on life.

1/3 life gone.

In a few more hours, I would hit my 1/3 mark of my life. Honestly I am feeling really sad for some reason. That feeling... I just hope someone can just hear me out.

I have got voice, but unable to speak.

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80s and 90s song is really fantastic. I really do enjoy them especially in moments like this.

A few midnight thoughts.

How and what I fear about it (A little flash back)

I have always wondered if the move to Australia was a good one. There are many sacrifices that I have made like abstained for SG cuisine food, friends, ex relationship and a girl whom I cared for. I have always believed that it would be the greater good but now, it had made me think twice.

I have touched down since June 2011 and I have found myself experiencing through a massive cultural and infrastructural shock. But soon enough, I began to learn more about myself with my thoughts and perspectives, the environment and the people that I have met with. I am thankful of many fantastic people whom I have met but sadly due to sociological changes, that little bond is gone.

Now relating and communicating back home, it seemed like we are in different parallel universe. I feel hurt but I can’t express it out. I have chosen this wretched path and I will stay strong as by any means necessary. I guess no one would really understand this; the feeling of solitude.

Everyday when I wake up, I am grateful that I am still given a chance to live my life though most of the time, I feel like shit. It’s really saddening not able to share this feeling again. I have tried to express it out but most of the people; they thought that they know better when they don’t, assume and interrupt with, “I have been there and I know it” attitude. It seemed that I am starting to rethink my choice of friends back home.

Assignments have been taking a massive toll of hours on my daily sleep and the transition of weather isn’t helping either. This is the time when I needed encouragement and motivation but it ends up being self encouraged and motivated by the means of the catalyst; Vegetables.
Vegetables I mean by Tobacco and Alcohol. I am starting to feel the physical pain in my chest area. I have promise someone that I would quit but ever since I know about ‘it’, the will of fight has exponentially decreasing its effectiveness.

I am fascinated with myself of why having irrelevant or stupid hopes & dreams of being with someone when it has all been along a one sided issue. I feel so stupid which is enough to set myself back a few years.

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When I am missing home, I thought of Chicken Rice. There are many famous stalls around and I am not afraid that I will lose it.

When I am missing home, I thought of Family. Life still goes on for them and nothing has changed.

When I am missing home, I thought of you. I am afraid of losing you as you are the one and only in this world. But now it seemed that it doesn't matter anymore since you have changed and moved on. Oh man. How insignificant am I to you now. You have been less being patient with me as compared months before.

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One thing that life and work experience has given me a skill; observation. The ability to see what most people believe that they have not changed but they do. It is kind of interesting to see different kind of industry would have a different similar trail of characteristics.

Once I am being shot on a social media web page by someone whom I can call a friend. Well, it was a pure simple guys to guys conversation and yet she (yes, a girl) interrupted. It just contradicts whatever you (yes the girl) have said about being professional and R/S stuff like that. Sorry. I do not regard you as a friend nor an acquittance anymore. Just too superficial. But least you have made a point that knocked the sense into me. This sentence still ring a bell (possibly a gong) and it goes like this, "She has grown up, independent and can take care of herself." I guess the point made an impact which again, contribute to the factor of why we can't talk properly as usual.

I guess this is inevitable. In a few days time, I would be reaching the point of no return of having gone through 1/3 or even shorter of my life, trying to find that illuminat’e factorial (half) of my life.

So long, my soul mate.

This is a plea and it might be a final one.